bigstockphoto_Security_Check_931229.jpgI hate going to the airport. Not so much because of the crowds or the delayed flights. I hate going through the security inspections. I hate having to get nearly undressed and then worry about whether my cell phone or computer will get stolen at the other end of the X-ray machine if I don’t get through the metal detector quickly enough. I hate having Swiss Army knives that I neglected to remove from my pocket before leaving home confiscated by the government, with no way to get them back.

 

I understand the necessity of the airport security (and I presume they auction off all those knives and other peraphernalia to reduce the government’s debt). I only mention all this because I fear the MRSA crisis is going to degenerate into something similar. My health club already has the disinfectant gels prominently displayed at the check-in counter. What’s to keep them from wanting to look over my hands and feet? Maybe do a nose swab?

 

I imagine there’ll be some new machine that will do instant readings on nose swabs, and then a red light will start blinking if I test positive. Aside from the embarrassment, there will be all the groans from the people behind me being delayed getting in. “Geez, why can’t that guy get rid of his staph germs before he comes to the club?”

 

Oh, and the machine will cost $50,000, requiring a $20 monthly increase in dues.

 

Then, in order to get back into the club, I’ll have to produce documentation as to how often I washed my hands in the previous 24 hours. Or maybe I’ll be able to automate the documentation by having an RFID chip attached to my ear that will keep track of all such cleansings ($1,500 to install).

 

The same kind of thing will go on in the schools. They’re already being fumigated and sterilized. So don’t be surprised if one of your children comes home with a note: “We regret to inform you that Sally tested positive for staph germs today. Unfortunately, she cannot be allowed back into school until you can provide laboratory test results confirming that she has been clear of such germs for at least 72 hours. Have a great day!”

 

It will all be part of the government’s new “War on Germs”. I’m not just making this stuff up. The drumbeat has begun in the media. “Declare War on Bacteria,” declares a Harford Courant editorial, which states in part, “Some health care settings have reduced the number of cases drastically by screening patients for the bacteria, isolating them, sterilizing equipment and making sure staff and medical personnel wash their hands frequently, especially between patients.”

The hospitals’ approach will then be "a model." If they can do it in hospitals, why not at health clubs, at schools, maybe even in restaurants and office buildings. And as long as you already have to go through a security search to get into the airport, why not add a staph infection screening. Get two searches for the price of one. Maybe for an extra fee, they’ll measure your blood pressure, take a blood test, and see if you’re a candidate for laser eye surgery.  

 

Or was I just dreaming this stuff last night?