?I’m trying to imagine the meeting at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration Wednesday where the matter of “adjusting” the agency’s Facebook page came up. Presumably three or four assistant commissioners met with the resident geek, and the conversation went something like this:

Joe (Assistant commissioner 1): Listen, I know you’ve all been to at least five meetings today, as you were yesterday, and the day before, but the commissioner asked me to call this meeting because we have a problem with our Facebook page. All these foodies are being highly critical of us, especially about this undercover investigation we ran of the Maryland buying club. The first question the commish wants asked is this: Whose bright idea was it to put up an FDA Facebook page in the first place?

Bill (Assistant commissioner 2): I thought the idea was for us to be able to have a pulse on what the public is thinking about. Isn’t the word they use out there “transparency”?

Jim (Assistant commissioner 3): Bill, you use words like “transparency” around here, and you’ll find yourself in the Topeka office faster than you can say FDA. Better be careful.

Bill: Good point, Jim. I’ll try to watch it. But weren’t we trying to be more open?

Jim: Open? That’s an even more dangerous word than transparency. We open doors. We open windows. Open is a verb. We don’t use it as a modifier. Your mother and father may be open to what you think. Or your partner. Or maybe a bartender. But we here at the FDA are not open.

Bill: But aren’t we trying to communicate better with the public, give taxpayers a better feeling about us? We get criticized all over the place for being in bed with the drug companies and Big Ag.

Jim: I don’t think you’re hearing me, Bill. We’re not about transparency, or being open, or communicating better. We tell companies and farmers what to do. We tell the public what food is safe and what food isn’t safe. We ignore criticism. If you want to call that “communicating,” then fine.

Bill: Okay, I think I’m getting the message. I just thought maybe here and there we want to make it look like we’re listening.

Jim: There you go again, Bill. Using words that we don’t use around here. Listening isn’t something we do here. Your gardener or maid listen to you, but we don’t listen to you if you don’t work here.

Joe: Okay guys. This isn’t being terribly productive. The question we have to figure out here is what do we do about all these insulting comments from all our friends on Facebook. Just listen to some of them:

“SHAME ON YOU FDA. Stop raiding the poor Amish farmers! I want healthy RAW MILK for my family! Raw milk from grassfed cows is the only kind of milk that does not make my child and husband violently ill. Pasteurized milk make them SICK and break out into rashes…”

Geez, they’re typing in capital letters.

And this: “FDA, we supply your paychecks. You work for us. Guess who’s getting a pink slip real soon?”

Gizzmo (the resident geek): Hey, this isn’t very complicated. We’ll just change the default view.

Jim: What the hell is “default view.” Gizzmo, you know better than to use your high-fangled techie talk around me.

Gizzmo: Okay, the default view is the way the page shows up to the casual viewer. We’ll make that show just FDA announcements, and hide all the bad comments. If someone wants to see those, they have to click on the “most recent” at the top of the page, or on a specific announcement, but lots of people won’t know that, so they’ll think the page has changed, and the bad comments have gone away, and we’re back to good news FDA.

Jim: Why Gizzmo, that’s brilliant. We should make you the commissioner. So, how will you state that on the page?

Gizzmo: Simple, I just typed it out as you were talking. It says, “We have changed the default view of our fan page to make it easier for people to find FDA information. Thanks for all your feedback!”

Bill: But haven’t we really made it harder?

Jim: There you go again, Bill. What is the matter with you? I’m seeing Topeka in your future.